


Dragon Stop Pickle Shop

by Anime_Explorers



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: A ton of other folks too, AU, Breaks the fourth wall, Crime Sorcière, Gen, acnologia wants to get with her btw, bad fake names, bless that child, doranbolt more like doranbabe, dragons love pickles, gildarts loves potato seeds, gildarts may overthrow the king, heavy metal broke my.... heart!, i can dig it, lahar is jellal obsessed, romeo is productive, skiadrum is a girl, the dragons run a pickle shop, they just sell pickles, they live in the back room, they're ooc a bit too, ultear is a thing, youth pickles too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anime_Explorers/pseuds/Anime_Explorers
Summary: Dragon stop Pickle Shop- the place to be. They've got pickles for all your needs.With their disappearing act finally coming to a close after so many years, the dragons long to see their children. At the same time, however, they realize it would do no good just to pop in. Deciding the best course of action is to weave themselves into the slayers' lives without giving up their identities, the dragons, taking on human forms, have moved to open their very own store- one that sells pickles.With the shop opened life becomes both interesting and hilarious as these ever so strange dragons work to make a profit and spy on those they were forced to abandon.The summary comes off much too serious for the actual story. This is a crack fic for sure, there's no denying it.*Originally/also posted on ffn*





	1. Why Pickles?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. We (As in there's two authors here, wow!) Have finally decided to being this story in over seeing as how even ao3 deserves to have a multitude of crack fics.  
> Here's to hoping we're able to get a quick laugh out of you all.... 
> 
> Disclaimer: We own nothing!

Chapter One: Why Pickles?

Somewhere in the wonderful town of Magnolia five semi-mysterious figures were making their  
way into a building. Freshly built, the structure was set to become their new store. Not just any  
store, mind you, but a pickle shop. And before anyone asks, yes, they would be selling pickles.

........

Later that very evening a bit of discourse found its way into conversation wihthin the store.  
“Why the heck are we opening a pickle shop?” Skiadrum, our favorite shadow dragon, swore  
she might be the only one in this group with some semblance of normalcy. Clearly this was true  
seeing as how she was the only dragon who questioned their shop’s choice of product. Why  
pickles?  
“It’s obvious Dragon 101.” Igneel would never cease to have an answer- though sometimes they  
were rather stupid. Nonetheless they were answers.  
“Explain.” Even now Skiadrum remained the only one confused.  
“Dragons love pickles.” Grandina spoke up at this point. With her silence broken, Skiadrum was  
forced to face the fact that the others truly did understand what was going on.  
“It’s a fact of life.” Metalicana chimed in now, finding silence rather boring.  
“Then how did I not know that? I’m a dragon!” Skiadrum was rather frustrated and concerned.  
She was just as much a dragon as the other four and yet it did not seem so. What was going  
on?  
“You must’ve never eaten a pickle before.” Weisslogia spoke up this time. So the Shadow  
Dragon really was the only one who couldn’t understand the significance of pickles. That much  
was anything but uncertain.  
“Oh. I guess I haven’t.” As she thought for a moment, the woman realized that this was true.  
“How old are you?” Igneel had snorted upon asking this question. He found it absolutely  
hilarious that a few centuries old dragon had never eaten a pickle.  
“It’s so rude to ask a lady that!” Skiadrum exclaimed as Grandina nodded furiously in  
agreement. It didn’t matter that they were dragons. Age was still a sensitive topic.  
“You’re definitely not a lady.” Igneel snorted once again. Weisslogia was laughing quietly as  
well. Metalicana just looked bored.  
“I will cut you.” The female dragon glared at the guilty party. The fire dragon really needed to  
learn how to shut his mouth.  
“With metal!?” Metalicana sounded excited at the prospect. He could just picture it now.  
“No. You’re the only one that can do that. I’m obviously going to use his shadow.” Skiadrum was  
giving him a very frustrated expression. She had come to acknowledge the fact that everyone in  
the room was ridiculous, but still!

“Riiight.”

.........

 

“Ugh. Being human sucks. Why are we doing this again?” Metalicana walked into the shop with  
an angry expression. He looked as though he had been run over by a car. Or you know,  
whatever this world’s equivalent of it was.  
“We wanted to see the kids.” Skiadrum continued to stock the shelves as she answered his  
question.  
“How does that explain the human thing? I mean I’m all for the pickle shop but why are we  
human?” Weisslogia chimed in with his own question. He was creating a display.  
“How is a group of dragons owning a pickle shop not suspicious?” Grandina was in the corner  
making sure none of the jars were going to fall from the higher shelves.  
“Oh. Right.” The white dragon nodded to himself as he continued working on his display.  
“I still don’t understand about the pickle thing.” Skiadrum had stopped her work and turned to  
face the others. Nothing about this store would ever make sense to her.  
“Dragons like pickles!” Igneel was defensive. The whole thing had been his idea after all. Well,  
the pickle shop. Not the whole ‘let’s visit our kids’ thing.  
“And?” Skiadrum continued to wait for a more in depth answer.  
“They’re dragon slayers.” Metalicana had finally gotten over his apparent hatred of cars.  
“How does that relate to pickles?” She was still not too sure. Who in their right mind would stop  
by a store that’s only merchandise was pickles?  
“Ugh. They have dragon characteristics. They’ll stop by sometime to get some pickles.” Igneel  
answered the question as the others nodded approvingly. They just knew the kids would come  
by.  
“Why of all things, pickles?” The question wasn’t directed at anyone in particular. Skiadrum was  
honestly just talking to herself at this point.  
“They’re really good!” Cue four vigorously nodding figures.  
“You know what, give me a pickle.” Skiadrum was done with being the confused one. She  
needed to know just what exactly was so great about these things.  
“Yay! You’re finally eating one!” Igneel almost knocked over Weisslogia’s display in his  
excitement. Luckily, it was an almost. Anything else and the building would be in pieces.  
“I just want to know what all the hype is about.” She looked slightly embarrassed. It was almost  
as though she was crumbling under peer pressure. There was nothing to be proud of about that.  
“So?” Four dragons awaited a response. Watching someone eat their first pickle was something  
none of them had had the opportunity of doing before.  
“Oh my God. That is one of the best things I’ve ever eaten.” Skiadrum’s eyes widened at the  
taste. It was like nothing she had ever eaten before.  
“One of?” Igneel looked put off by her answer. If this really was her first pickle, then it really  
should have been the greatest.  
“You got me. It’s the best thing I’ve ever eaten!” She continued to stare in awe. Now everything  
had started to make sense.

“We told you!” Grandina laughed as she said so. She could tell that her friend’s questions about  
the shop were going to come to a standstill.  
“Okay, opening a pickle shop was a great idea!”

.........

“Guys, I put some potato seeds under the front desk.” Metalicana casually entered the room. He  
had been out exploring the town for a short while.  
“Why?” Grandina looked up from her work. She was currently pricing their merchandise.  
“Gildarts has been in seven times today asking if we sell them. We literally opened a few hours  
ago.” Igneel answered her question. He completely understood where Metalicana was coming  
from.  
“So you got potato seeds for him?” Skiadrum came out of one of the store rooms.  
“Yeah.” Metalicana responded with a sense of defiance. He would not allow anyone to question  
his decisions.  
“How do you even know his name?” Weisslogia entered the conversation, utterly bamboozled.  
Was Metalicana a stalker? Or was there some other more logical answer?  
“He gave a really outrageous introduction when he came in the first time.” The dragon in  
question responded casually. He honestly couldn’t see how this answer could lead to another  
line of questioning.  
“Then where was I?” Weisslogia looked concerned. He really should have heard the man enter.  
“You were in the back singing about white.” Skiadrum looked up from her meal to answer. Yes,  
she was in fact eating pickles for lunch.  
“Tis’ a beautiful element!” He was defensive. So what if white was sort of a weird thing to be the  
dragon of?  
“It’s not even an element.” Grandina finished her work and went on to get her own lunch. Of  
course she had to respond to Weisslogia first though.  
“It must be! I am the White Dragon!” There was no way it couldn’t be. If it wasn’t, then  
Weisslogia’s whole life was a lie. Hundreds of years down the drain….  
“Doesn’t mean it’s an element.” This was Igneel. He was currently shuffling through the cash  
register. They had already made quite the profit.  
“You’re mean!” So what if he sounded like a twelve year old? Weisslogia was perfectly secure  
with himself.  
Suddenly the door were thrown open as the bell rung, signalling a customer. In the room was  
none other than Gildarts. He was obviously back to ask for potato seeds once again. knowing  
this, Igneel held up the bag.  
“You have potato seeds! Yes! If anyone comes in with a Fairy Tail guild mark, put their  
expenses on my tab! And I’ll pay for those Sabertooth dragon slayers as well! Oh, and that  
illegal guild made out of reformed criminals!” The man seemed to be listing everyone he could  
think of in his excitement.  
“Uh, okay?” Grandina took note of this, Was everyone in her daughter’s guild this easy to  
please?

“Yes! I’ll come in every Friday and pay for everything!” Gildarts continued to twirl around with the  
potato seeds.  
“Thank you, sir.” Skiadrum added from her corner. It paid off to be polite to customers you know.  
“So are you rich or something?” Igneel let it out from his place behind the counter. He didn't  
even look embarrassed by what he had just asked.  
“Jeez Igneel! You can’t just ask people if they’re rich!” Metalicana roared. He knew Igneel was  
ridiculous, but really? Did he just have to ask that?  
“Oh, sorry Gildarts!” The fire dragon blushed. Thank goodness he had finally realized just how  
rude he had been!  
“No problem! What did you say your name was again?” The Fairy Tail wizard stopped twirling.  
He just had to know who the man who had handed him the potato seeds was!  
“Uh… He said Iggy. Yeah, my name is Iggy.” The dragon quickly tried to cover up what  
Metalicana had called him. The last thing they needed was for Gildarts to go blabbing about  
someone named Igneel.  
“Such a lovely name!”  
And then the man was gone. He was happily skipping down the road as everyone let out a sigh  
of relief.  
“Oooh! That was a close one!” Weisslogia couldn’t have been righter.  
“Yeah it was! We all need to get some fake names figured out!” Skiadrum was once again being  
sensible. If they had fake names, then nothing like this would happen.  
“Why do it now? It’s too early to think about that.” Igneel laughed. Yes, laughed. His mood had  
done a 180 since Gildarts left a few moments ago.  
“Fine. We’ll just figure it out when we need to.” Skiadrum would allow them to mess everything  
up if that’s what they really wanted.  
“Sounds like a great idea!” Weisslogia was happy with the idea. It delayed his thinking. And  
anything that did that must be good.  
“Wait. So he just offered to pay for an illegal guild.” Grandina still couldn’t get over this fact.  
What kind of guild was her daughter in?  
“Eh. From what I gather they’re actually pretty cool.” Metalicana smiled as he said this.  
“What do you mean?” Grandina was once again concerned, Where had Metalicana gotten that  
idea?  
“They take out dark guilds.” The iron dragon declared as though it was common knowledge.  
“Ah. So how do you know this?” Now Skiadrum was involved. Where was Metalicana getting  
this information from?  
“I’m good at gathering gossip!”  
“We have been in town for a total of two days!” Grandina announced.  
“So? We have enhanced hearing! It’s actually pretty easy to overhear gossip, you know.”  
Metalicana affirmed that he hadn’t gone out searching for gossip. There was no way he would  
ever live it down if he had.  
“Sorry. I forgot about that.” The sky dragon really did look apologetic. She truly had started to  
think Metalicana was some sort of creep.  
“I do not accept your apology on the grounds that you think I’m stupid.” The iron dragon  
countered.

“No I don’t.” Grandina had no idea where he got that idea from. She didn’t recall ever doing  
anything to make him think that way.  
“Then why do you keep calling me an idiot under your breath?” The man sounded outraged.  
“I call everyone an idiot. Even myself. Don’t worry about it too much.” The woman blushed as  
she explained. She truly did call everyone an idiot.

..........

Meanwhile outside the shop a trio passed by, one stopping dead in his tracks upon noticing the  
new business on the block.  
“Hey Lucy! Look, it’s a pickle shop!” Natsu looked directly at the newly renovated building,  
clearly desiring a chance to venture inside.  
“I am not going into a pickle store right now.” The blonde woman gazed at the building, mildly  
disapproving. With her rent money due, they had much more important things to worry about.  
After all no jobs involved the pickle shop and if she lost her apartment Natsu and Happy would  
suffer just as much if not more with the amount of time they spent there.  
“Fine then. I’ll just go tomorrow!” He was already trying to figure out who to bring with him. Half  
the guild was a no as they’d only argue the whole time. With that said, there was no way he  
could go into a pickle shop alone- it would be a crime not to share such a great thing with  
someone else.  
“What is with you and pickles, anyway?” Lucy finally had a chance to express her confusion  
over the food. Natsu always got like this when pickles were mentioned though no explanation  
was ever offered.  
“Pickles are the food of the dragons!”  
Yeah, that explained a lot.


	2. Why Iggy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well this time the dragons have got their hands full what with advertising their shop and coming up with cover stories on the spot as their kids come to visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a little while since the last post but here we are again! I should probably mention that this thing isn't exactly edited or looked over so if it's rough there's the reason. In other news everyone is still going to be ridiculous and oblivious in this story so go on and have a laugh!

Somewhere in a cave, a dragon awoke. It was shocked to smell it's number one prey, pickles. Excited, the dragon did one thing that was against everything it stood for. It turned human, Of course things just had to get difficult when he was about to set flight to the pickle source. But no matter. He would get to them sooner or later.

\---

"Why are all of the displays white? Shouldn't they be colorful to attract more customers?" Skiadrum stared disapprovingly at the decorations.

"White is amazing!" For some reason, Skiadrum still hadn't realized just how obsessed Weisslogia was with the color. And they had spent how many years together now?

"Guys, I think we should put candles on the displays! That way they could look like pickle shrines!" Igneel was already holding up a set of candles. He had obviously been planning this for some time now.

"We are not letting you light anything on fire. And what's the point of having pickle shrines here when most of our customers already have them at home?" Metalicana explained his reasoning. There was no way a pickle shrine display would go over well.

"Then what are we going to do for the displays?" Grandina's question hung out in the open as everyone thought. They needed to make something eye catching.

"I've got it!" igneel was so excited he jumped on top of the counter, knocking over the cash register. Loose change flew everywhere.

"You're picking that up. But please explain." Skiadrum patiently waited for the news of his impending duty to sink in. She was also waiting for an answer. Igneel may not have been the sharpest crayon in the box, but he did have an imagination.

"I think we should get dragon cut out!" The fire dragon's excitement caused fire to come out of his mouth, Luckily they had fireproofed the whole store.

"That's actually a good idea. Now we need a plan." Grandina knew that dragon paintings would catch attention. Everyone would notice the shop.

"Okay, so we need to find an empty field somewhere outside of town. We can all take pictures of each other in dragon form. Then we'll take them to an artist and ask them to paint larger ones onto cardboard so we can make cut outs. Sound good?" Weisslogia rattled off a list of things to do. He didn't explicitly say so, but everyone could tell the cardboard had to be white.

"I think I have the perfect artist in mind."

\---

"Where is this guy? I thought you said he'd meet us here a while ago." Igneel was impatient. Of course this elusive artist was maybe three seconds late. Our fire dragon seemed to think it had been three years.

"He just showed up. And it hasn't even been a minute. We need to work on developing your patience." Grandina was staring at Igneel incredulously. The fire dragon really did suck at waiting.

"Um…" There stood Reedus Jonah. He looked thoroughly concerned. It was justified too. The dragons sucked at being human.

"Sorry. We're sort of a mess. We just moved to town and all. Now, we were hoping you could create some cardboard cutouts of these photos." Weisslogia handed over the photographs. He hadn't even waited for an answer from the man.

"Um I guess that's manageable. But where did you even get-" The artist was cut off as Igneel shoved his hand over his mouth. A dark aura began to spread out over the scene.

"Don't ask questions. We'll be paying you in pickles." The fire dragon casually removed his hand, his dark aura receding.

"Oh well in that case I'll have these done tomorrow. You should have led with the pickle payment." The artist was already mentally clearing his schedule. These cutouts were high priority.

"Little did Reedus know that he could have gotten free pickles either way. Gildarts would have paid for them." Igneel began speaking to no one. Or so the others thought. He was obviously addressing the audience.

"What?" Reedus looked up at the other man.

"Nothing! I was just talking to myself about pickles. Don't worry about it!"  
\---  
The next morning, the cutouts were done. Reedus left with an enormous stash of pickles. The dragons were considering putting the costs on Gildarts tab. It was morally wrong to do so, so they struggled with the decision. But then the bell rang, signaling the arrival of more customers. With the dragon display set up, it only made sense.

"Woah. They weren't kidding when they said the only thing this place sells was pickles." A brunette woman had entered the shop. She was looking around incredulously.

"Welcome. Judging by your attire and guild mark, I'm assuming you're this daughter Gildarts always talks about." Metalicana approached the woman, hoping to help her out.

"How do you know my dad?" The woman, now revealed to be Cana, looked very suspicious. The shop had been open for a few days. Surely her father hadn't been in here too many times.

"He comes in here about eight times a day." Grandina came out of the back room to answer this question. The sky dragon was thoroughly annoyed with the sheer number of times the mage stopped by. Metalicana saw no reason to be annoyed by Gildarts.

"Of course he does. Anyway, do you give out samples? I'm not sure if I've ever gone out of my way to eat a pickle before." Cana looked around once again. The shelves were filled with pickle jars. No sample table was out.

"Yes, we do. But may I ask what you're doing here? Based on your father's stories I would've assumed you were busy drinking at the guildhall." Grandina was the one to hand over the pickle. She had heard plenty of stories and really was confused as to why the woman was present.

"Yeah, about that. The magic council put me on an alcohol ban for the next week. Apparently dropping my contact cards into a barrel of it gets them drunk. And then of course they start going crazy with their limited magic. Long story short, it's the reason the library caught on fire yesterday. I'm trying to find something else to occupy my time with. Hence the shopping."

She blushed as she told her tale. But the card incident answered a lot of questions about the library. You see, the dragons had began to wonder if Igneel had been the one to light it on fire. Of course the dragon had denied it repeatedly. Now they knew he was telling the truth.

"Understandable." Metalicana nodded toward Igneel. The fire dragon was now completely clear of all suspicion.

"Wow. That's actually pretty amazing. How much does a jar cost?" Cana looked at the jars in awe. She had never eaten something so amazing before.

"Oh, they're free for members of Fairy Tail. Don't worry about it. Someone comes in to pay for all of your costs on Fridays." Skiadrum exited the back room now. Why no one questioned why the workers heard everything from that back room, no one would ever know.

"Hm. So I guess I'll be going now." The woman grabbed quite the number of jars as she left.

"If that's what you want, by all means." The fire dragon opened the door for her as she exited the building. They knew she would be back soon enough.

And that was how her addiction to pickle juice began.

\---

"I'm shocked the kids haven't stopped by yet. I feel like everyone else had heard about the shop by now." Weisslogia looked out the window. He had been hoping to catch a glimpse of the children making their way down the street. Alas, they were not there.

"Well, for one, not all of our kids live in Magnolia. And two, maybe they were out on a job or something." Skiadrum, ever the voice of reason, had an answer. Well, two actually.

"I think they'll be in by the end of the week." Igneel remained a constant source of optimism. Nothing brought him down.

"Same." Grandina thought before agreeing. She knew the kids wouldn't be able to resist for long. The stench of pickles was calling to them. She just knew.

"Yeah, we just have to be optimistic about everything. They'll stop by eventually." Weisslogia seemed to be reassuring himself.

"Well what do we do when they do stop by?" Metalicana sounded frantic. He knew he'd have one of the hardest times keeping it together. He was a terrible actor.

"Try and act natural. Help them pick out a few jars, maybe introduce ourselves. Things like that." Skiadrum chimed in from her spot. She sounded quite confident but anyone would be able to see her nervousness clearly displayed.

"It sounds easy enough." Igneel put in his own two cents. Of course he would. That man just could not keep his mouth shut.

"Key word there is sounds." Metalicana, ever the pessimist, just had to rain on his parade.

"We'll be fine. I mean, even if we do slip up it can't end that badly." Weisslogia was back to his happier self.

"True." Grandina smiled from her spot next to the iron dragon.

"Why do you say that all the time? It does get a little annoying…" Said iron dragon asked her the million dollar question. And of course he added on his own little snarky comment.

"True." The sky dragon smirked as this left her mouth. She knew very well what she was doing.

"Oh dear Lord." Skiadrum face palmed. She knew this wouldn't end well.

\---

"Come on! Why won't you come with me?" Natsu had been practically begging Gajeel to leave with him. It was actually quite an amusing sight for everyone else in the guild.

"Why would I ever want to go shopping with you?" The iron dragon slayer snorted. In what world would he actually choose to spend time with the other boy?

"But it's a pickle shop!" Natsu's final plea did not go without response.

"Well you should have led with that. Let's go." Gajeel was out of his seat and halfway to the door before anyone else in the guild knew what was happening.

"Can I come?" Wendy had perked up at the mention of pickles.

"Wendy, who in their right mind would ever tell you no?" Natsu grabbed her arm and took off running after Gajeel. They began their trek to the new store.

"Hey!" A wild sting Eucliffe called out and waved from across the road. Next to him was Rogue. But you know, those two were attached at the hip. So it wasn't really that big of a surprise.

"Woah. What are you two doing in town?" Natsu stopped short, the others following suit.

"We heard about some pickle shop." The shadow dragon slayer finally spoke. He had been dragged across the street by Sting who had wanted to speak with the others.

"We decided to check it out. I mean, pickles are amazing after all." The blonde continued to explain what his friend had said.

"You know, we were heading there too." Wendy spoke up from her spot at the back of the group.

"Well the more the merrier!" And with that, the five all continued their walk. It only made sense they would all go to the shop together. After all, who else would understand their taste for pickles? Real dragons? Pft. Like those were actually around anymore.

\---

A bell rang, alerting the dragons that they had new customers. Five people entered, all heading in different directions. Nodding in unison, the dragons split up, all going to help their customers.

"Hello. Welcome to our store. Is there anything I can help you with?" Igneel was the first to reach his child. He casually started a conversation, hoping nothing would slip out that wasn't supposed to.

"Not right now." The fire dragon slayer continued scanning the shelves before turning to the worker with a smile on his face.

"Well let me know if you need anything. I'm Ign- Iggy Neal Drago. And I mean, you could add an extra Neal on the end if you want!" The dragon mentally cringed. He knew he had screwed up. But alas, it was too late now.

"Oh cool, my name's Natsu." The boy smiled once again before going back to his browsing. Normally he'd be a little friendlier, but the pickles were calling.

"Have a nice day, and do come again!" Igneel called out to the boy as he left with a few jars in hand. The boy went to wait outside for the others.

Meanwhile in another corner of the shop, Grandina walked toward Wendy.

"Welcome. I'm Dina Grand." The woman smiled kindly as she watched the young girl study the merchandise.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Wendy." Looking up from her search, Wendy offered her hand.

"You seem like a sweet girl. Let me know if you need help finding anything." Grandina shook it and proceeded to give the girl a bit of space. She didn't want to come off as creepy.

"Well actually, could you please grab that jar off the top shelf for me? I'm sorry to trouble you but I can't quite reach." The girl looked bashful as she addressed the sky dragon.

"No problem." Grandina handed the girl the jar and went back to the front of the store. "Come again soon!" She called out to Wendy as the girl exited to wait with Natsu.

In another section of the store, Metalicana sidled up to his son.

"Hey. The name's Mal Talica." He put on an air of confidence as he turned to the younger man.

"No." Gajeel didn't even spare him a look. It successfully crushed the confidence Metalicana had tried so hard to muster.

"So uh, is there anything I can help you with today, Gajeel?" He searched frantically for a way to continue the conversation. Everyone else had actually gotten to converse with their children.

"First off, this is a pickle shop. All you sell is pickles. I can't fathom how anyone would need help. Second, I never told you my name." The dragon slayer finally looked up. His expression frightened the dragon. What had happened in the past few years?

"HAHAHAHA! Some crying girl came in here earlier this morning and said something about a guy named Gajeel with piercings." Metalicana quickly tried to cover up his mistake. Sadly, he was terrible at making things up. There was no way the kid would fall for it.

"Stupid Juvia." Gajeel then went back to looking at pickles. Metalicana was in awe.

"Wait, there's actually a girl like that?" He let it slip out. But seriously, what were the odds his kid actually knew some girl like that?

"What?" The dragon slayer looked up from his search once again.

"Oh nothing. Um, bye!" Metalicana watched as his son left, desperately hoping the boy thought he was a creep. Maybe that way he wouldn't catch on to the fact that the store owners were dragons.

Of course while all of this happened, Skiadrum and Weisslogia sauntered over to the same corner. Their kids really were attached at the hip it seems.

"Welcome to the Pickle Shop. I'm uh.. Skai Adrum." Although she had wanted to figure out fake names before something like this happened, Skiadrum had failed to do so. Of course she failed when she tried to come up with a name on the spot.

"And I'm Wesley WHITE! But you can call me Wes." Weisslogia hadn't even put much thought into it. He just said the first thing that came to mind. Good thing he wasn't Igneel.

"Anyway, just let us know if you need help finding anything!" Skiadrum tried to usher Weisslogia away. The man had no filter and would surely let something slip if he remained with the children for too long.

"Oh cool. I'm Sting and this is Rogue. It is so cool that you guys opened a pickle shop. We both love pickles. And it's awesome that your last name is White." But of course his kid just had to start a conversation.

"Wes, please go to the back store room." Skiadrum mentally groaned, knowing there would be some sort of exclamation about white if she didn't get Weisslogia out of there fast enough.

"Why though?" The dragon looked at his companion, confused. He hadn't done anything wrong yet!

"WES!" She yelled. Yes, yelled. Skiadrum had tried to refrain from doing so but there was no other way to get the man to do as she said.

"Fine. There's more white back there anyway." Yup, there it was. The comment about white. Weisslogia needed an intervention or something.

"Sorry about him." Skiadrum smiled as she watched the boys grab some jars and go to join the others.

\---

The dragon slayers left, completely oblivious to who they had just seen. And thank goodness for that too. The dragons were in no way prepared to explain to their children why they had disappeared.

"Well that could have gone better." Weisslogia spoke the thought that was on everyone's mind. They had all almost slipped up. Well, Metalicana had slipped up. Thank goodness his cover story turned out to be realistic.

"Yeah. Smooth move, Iggy." The iron dragon snorted. Igneel was so close to messing everything up for all of them.

"Like you did any better!" The dragon in question snarled at his friend. Well, could you really even call them friends?

"Excuse me, but Mal isn't bad! You'd actually have to think to figure that one out!" The dragon was right. Mal and Metalicana weren't exactly like Iggy and Igneel. You actually had to think about the Mal one.

"It's the Talica part I was more concerned about. And really, Dina?" Skiadrum looked at the other woman. So yes, Skai hadn't been that great either. But she wasn't going to admit that.

"Hey, I was put on the spot!" The sky dragon jumped to defend herself. She hadn't even come up with the worst name in the bunch!

"Yeah, but your kid's actually smart enough to figure everything out." Igneel popped up from his corner space.

"True." Grandina smiled as this was said. Wendy was still her pride and joy.

"Skiadrum, yours was really bad too. And don't you dare encase me in shadows!" Weisslogia felt the urge to point out the other dragon's failure. After all, she had just pointed out one of the others'.

"Wes was actually a pretty good one." Metalicana let his praise slip out. He immediately regretted thinking a nice thought about the white dragon, but it was too late.

"Why thank you." Weisslogia smiled at the compliment. Metalicana rarely ever let one slip out.

"But my Wendy could still figure you out if she tried." The sky dragon just had to bring up her daughter once again. Once she started talking about Wendy, it was almost impossible to get her to stop.

"Well at least we raised idiots." Igneel had to put this out there. Yes, their kids could be smart. But they were all oblivious.

"True." Bet you can guess who said this.

"Grandina, you have been saying that all week!" Metalicana turned in anger. He was so done with her stupid little catchphrase. Of course he didn't realize the woman was just doing it to annoy him at this point.

"It's not my fault I'm the only one who raised an intelligent child!" Grandina was once again letting her pride show. Wendy was everything she had hoped her daughter would be.

"You left her when she was three." Weisslogia deadpanned. So what if he had done the same?

"So?" Grandina not so patiently awaited a reply.

"It's probably more so that Mystogan kid's fault she's smart." Skiadrum just had to burst her bubble. So what if that Mystogan kid had raised her daughter for a while? And so what if he may have dropped her off in the place that would shape most of her personality? Wendy was still her child.

"She's still my kid." The sky dragon was filled with pride.

"True." Weisslogia had whispered this, as to not anger Grandina. Too bad she was a dragon and could hear things going on in the next town over.

"THAT IS MY CATCHPHRASE!" Grandina jumped onto Weisslogia. She was obviously going to try and claw his face off. And hey, since they didn't have scales in this form, it could actually work.

"So, can I call you Mal Tal for short?" Ignoring the fight behind him, Igneel turned to Metalicana. It was obvious that the fire dragon was getting into the fake names thing.

"Oh my God, Igneel." The iron dragon could only stare sadly. How the mighty had fallen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we wrote this thing like 3 or 4 years ago and I have no idea what to think. Sigh. Well hopefully you all pulled some enjoyment out of it!


	3. What Even Happened?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they daydream about the futures of their children, the dragons engage in conversations surrounding the disaster that was their fake-naming ceremony from the other day. They're also interrupted by the appearance of several new faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S BACK? BACK AGAIN! (Guess who's back... Tell a friend..)   
> It's been awhile but it's finally time for chapter 3 to appear. The wait was literally unnecessary because we've had all of these written for years and posted somewhere else but whatever. Enjoy.

The stench of pickles coming from the shop was astoundingly strong- it overpowered all other scents within the area. Or so it did for dragons. If they were near Magnolia, all they could smell was pickles- at least until they ate some, and for many even after. It was a strange phenomenon. And the scent only got stronger each day. Eventually it reached a mounting climax at which it could have waken the dead.

* * *

 

“Do you think our kids will ever bring in their significant others to meet us?” Igneel sounded almost wistful. He was always dreaming of what things would be like after they told the kids who they were. Or at least, when the kids figured it out because come on, they weren't _all_  hopeless dolts. 

“Nah.” Weisslogia shook his head as he gazed longingly at the white display. It had once again been condemned to rot in the back room as the dragon was doomed to eternal suffering once more at the loss. 

“They probably will!” Grandina fiercely defended her daughter. She knew her Wendy would definitely want her to meet whatever girl or boy she decided was worthy. There was no way the girl wouldn’t bring her significant other in for approval. 

“Whatever you say then.” Skiadrum rolled her eyes as she turned to look out the window. It was the one day a week when the shop was closed. And it was raining. There was nothing to do but sit inside and talk.

“I bet my son’s dating the toughest, tallest girl! She’s probably amazing!” Metalicana decided to start a trend. Yes, they would all share their thoughts on who their child would be with. Of course his son would have to date a tough kid. There was no way Gajeel would ever be happy with some typical nice girl. 

“I bet my son is dating a girl with WHITE hair!” Weisslogia sounded excited. Of course the ideal mate for his son would be someone with white hair. The dragon was absolutely obsessed with the color. It was actually getting a bit unhealthy.

“Are you serious?” Skiadrum seemed the only one concerned by what Weisslogia had just said. Of course she always had been the one to worry over him- everyone else just continued living without a thought.

“My little Wendy is too young to date.” Grandina looked both stern and disappointed. She obviously wanted Wendy to be dating, just not at her current age.

“Well I bet my son is dating the sweetest girl.” Skiadrum just had to join in. She knew that her son would never date someone who wasn’t kind. To be honest, Skiadrum had screwed him up a bit as a kid. She could be quite sadistic at times. Poor Rogue would never be able to deal with anyone who wasn’t sweet. It would utterly destroy his mental health if his significant other wasn’t.

“I don’t have faith that my son will actually find someone.” Igneel had chosen to go with the honest route. Sure, it wasn’t the nicest thing to say. But really, he didn’t want to get his hopes up. Natsu was a bit… different.

“Jeez, Igneel.” Weisslogia turned to look at the fire dragon. That comment really wasn’t the best thing to say. Couldn’t Igneel have humored them for a while?

“I know. There’s a reason I’m not in the running for father of the year.” The fire dragon sighed. He knew he would have to explain himself sooner or later. What parent didn’t have faith in their child’s ability to attract others?

“I thought it was because you abandoned your son at age ten.” Grandina said this with a smirk. It was a bit of a sore point with the dragon in question. He had always been more sensitive about the fact that they had had to leave than the rest.

“YOU DID TOO!” The yell was followed by an accidental releasing of fire. Yup, Grandina sure had struck a chord. Of course tomorrow they would act as though this had just been a joke.

“Excuse me but Wendy was five.” The sky dragon looked offended that Igneel had not remembered this fact. Her glare indicated this as well. “

Yeah, you’re not winning mother of the year anytime soon.” Metalicana snorted from his corner. No one in the room would be winning these awards anytime soon. Heck, Skiadrum and Weisslogia had taken quite a sadistic approach to leaving their children. Honestly, what part of their plan even sounded like a good idea? Hey, let’s convince our kids that we’re dead because we have to leave to go do some dragon stuff? Or was it the whole ‘Hey, how about we let the kids think they killed us!’ part? Seriously, where was the appeal in this plan? Their kids were obviously a bit screwed up because of it.

* * *

 

“So about our names. Do you think we could get away with changing them at all? I mean, these are super obvious.” Skiadrum was the one to start this meeting. Someone was bound to broach the subject eventually. And of course she would be the first to bring it up.

“What do you mean? No one will ever figure me out!” Igneel gazed proudly at nothing. It was as though he was trying to show off to an audience.

“Igneel, you just called yourself Iggy. That’s not very creative.” Metalicana always rained on his parade. Igneel would never get to enjoy himself as long as the iron dragon was around.

“Still. The kids won’t figure it out unless I tell them!” The fire dragon was still filled with pride. He truly believed he would have to reveal his identity. Poor guy didn’t realize just how obvious it was.

“They’ll figure it out for sure. Honestly, couldn’t you have just gone with Neal? I mean, it would’ve been a quick fix to the name issue.” Grandina entered the conversation. She was always choosing times like this to speak up.

“I still think mine is okay. You’re all the ones we need to worry about!” Igneel continued to stand by his claims. Nothing would make him understand just how obvious he had been.

“No way. Yes, Skai is literally part of my name, but it’s still a tad different.” Skiadrum defended herself. Sure, she could have thought of something better. But honestly, she had been put on the spot. It could have been a lot worse.

“It’s exactly like Iggy. You literally spent two seconds coming up with it.” Grandina, much like Metalicana, constantly rained on everyone’s parade.

“You’re no different!” Igneel and Skiadrum yelled this in unison. There was a strange silence afterward. It was the first time she had actually agreed with Igneel.

“Excuse me, but Dina is quite far off from my real name.” The sky dragon glared at the others in attendance. So, everyone but Weisslogia. That man was still in the back room singing about white.

“Yeah, but it’s still not as good as mine!” Metalicana was just as proud of his name as Igneel. He just did a better job of containing himself.

“Mal Talica? Honestly, the first name was good. The last name just gives it away.” Grandina would not tolerate anyone praising themselves after she had just been denied the right. What made them all think their names were better than hers?

“But this way I can call him Mal Tal!” Igneel chimed in joyfully. He just loved saying that.

“Calm down Igneel.” Skiadrum acted as a mother once again. It had practically become her job to calm the fire dragon.

“Anyway, Talica gives away a lot.” Grandina continued to speak, ignoring Igneel’s comments to the best of her ability.

“I know that. I want the kid to have a possibility of figuring this out.” Metalicana found himself on defense once again. Why was everyone so mean?

“So why didn’t you just go with the last name Cana?” Grandina continued her spiel again. By this point, she was completely disregarding what the iron dragon had said.

“That answer is obvious!” Igneel tried to support Metalicana. Of course he was met with two different glares. Honestly, he just needed to figure out when to shut up.

“No it’s not! Your name is Metalicana! It’s part of your name. It makes sense.” The time the sky dragon did factor in Igneel’s comment. She knew Metalicana may have been thinking the same thing as the fire dragon.

“Well Gildarts has a daughter named Cana.” The iron dragon seemed to think this was enough explanation. Sadly, it was not.

“And?” The three other dragons all awaited an answer. They were completely befuddled by Metalicana’s reasoning. What did Gildarts kid have to do with anything?

“He talks about her every time he comes in here. Which, by the way, is eight times today.” The man once again thought this would be ample explanation. But alas, it was not.

“That means nothing regarding your fake last name!” The shadow dragon was the one to speak this time around. She had been trying to stay out of the conversation. But now her curiosity had reached a new high.

“I just feel like it would be weird!” Metalicana was obviously done talking about the issue. And so, everyone left him alone.

Although they all realized this, no one said anything about Weissolgia’s name. They all knew he didn’t deserve too much grief. After all, it was the best thing any of them had come up with. Wesley White was much further from Weisslogia than any of the other names could hope to be. Well, from their own respective dragon’s name of course. Mal Talica may have been distant from Weisslogia, but it was a dead give away for Metalicana.

* * *

 

“Hey you’re back!” Metalicana was pleasantly surprised to see Gildarts waltz into the shop. The iron dragon had been in charge of the cash register that day.

“Yeah, I forgot to pay off the tab last time I stopped by.” The Fairy Tail mage didn’t even seem the slightest bit embarrassed by this.

“Ah. So how’re you doing then?” Metalicana took his answer in stride and proceeded to make small talk.

“Good. The guild is great. Although, my daughter does keep disappearing.” And Gildarts turned it into a full blown conversation. Good going dude.

“She must be doing something behind your back.” The iron dragon hadn’t thought to filter what he had said. Only now did he realize it may have sounded insensitive.

“I know that and I worry.” Gildarts sighed heavily and closed his eyes.

“Ah, all kids do things behind their parent’s backs. I know this for a fact.” Metalicana smiled as he was hit with a stream of nostalgia. Ah yes, those were the days.

“Got a kid yourself then?” The question shook him out of his flashback.

“A son. But I haven’t seen him in years.” He answered honestly, well sort of. Metalicana had seen Gajeel a few weeks ago, but still.

“Hm.”

“So I guess you’ll be taking some more potato seeds.” The iron dragon knew the conversation had ended. He pulled out a bag of seeds and offered them.

“You know me so well.” The mage smiled as he accepted and then proceeded to exit the store.

“Why don’t you ever talk to me like that!?” Igneel looked like he was about to cry. Metalicana was thoroughly confused.

“What are you talking about? I talk to you!” The iron dragon had to ask. Nothing made all that much sense right now.

“But not like you talk to Gildarts! It’s like you don’t even care!” The fire dragon was on a roll. All of his pent up anger toward Metalicana was coming out.

“We’re not in a relationship.” The other man said this without much emotion. He would probably never understand what was wrong with Igneel.

“Uh!” Some fire left the man’s mouth.

“Calm down. I’ll be forced to abandon you as a friend if you don’t stop.” Metalicana found Igneel’s behavior to be quite annoying. There was no reason for him to be acting like a jealous wife.

“Come and just kill me then!”

“Igneel, you’re a freaking mess.” The iron dragon may or may not have launched a hit at his friend(?).

“Heavy metal broke my” Two beats. “Heart!” The fire dragon sung with so much passion. It was quite beautiful really.

“Igneel, stop saying that every time I punch you!” Metalicana was done with this conversation. The singing was not helping his mood.

“I don’t say it every time! You punch me way too many times for that!” Igneel was quite adamant about this fact. Metalicana truly did punch him often.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” To Metalicana, it wasn’t. He was more of a tough love kind of guy.

“It is. You break my heart everytime you do. I just tear up thinking about the bromance we could have if you would just stop.” Igneel was obviously still jealous of Gildarts.

“You know there’s a reason you don’t have any friends.” The iron dragon realized this was harsh. And that was probably why he said it in the first place.

“Heavy met-”

“STOP SAYING THAT!” The yell wasn’t too loud. It was actually more of a loud form of speech.

“Okay bro.” Igneel sniffed. He looked like he was crying.

“WE ARE NOT HAVING A BROMANCE!” Metalicana roared. Yes, he actually roared.

“Well then, heavy metal-” Igneel took a deep breath before continuing.

“I WILL STAB YOU! WITH METAL!”

* * *

 

“I smell pickles. You know, I really want some right now. Pickles are literally the most amazing thing in Fiore. They’re like heaven, only food. Why do I smell so many pickles? It’s like someone has a huge collection. You know, I heard there’s a pickle shop in Magnolia.”

“Erik stop it. We’ll make a stop in Magnolia so you can visit this elusive pickle shop.”

* * *

 

“I just stopped by to tell you guys I know you’re dragons. Oh and Erik would not shut up about pickles. You should have heard him.” A Jellal Fernandes had entered the quaint little shop. And yes, it was the original Jellal. Following him were two other men.

“Cool. But why is he here?” Weisslogia looked pointedly at Laxus. He knew who was supposed to be involved in what guild. The lightning dragon slayer was definitely a part of Fairy Tail.

“Hey! I’m sort of a reformed criminal… In a way!” Laxus was quick to defend. Yeah, he didn’t belong to Crime Sorciere. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t hang out with them.

“Yeah. And we were having a club meeting.” Erik helped to protect his whatever Laxus was, from being bothered. Yeah, it was a bit weird for the man to be there. So what?

“Cobra and I feel for each other.” The lightning dragon slayer may or may not have been thinking about said club. Stupid Gajeel was such a traitor. He just had to go and get himself a cat, didn’t he?

“Whatever.” Metalicana rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, Lahar is stalking me. I’m assuming you know who that is to some extent. But if you see him, please kick him out. Also, don’t tell him I was here.” Jellal cringed upon mentioning his follower. Lahar may have developed a small obsession with the bluenette. Okay, small was the understatement of the century.

“Yeah. And Angel wanted you to know that if she’s in here you should make sure some guy named Dan stays far, far away.” Erik, also known as Cobra, relayed the request his friend had sent with him. Sorano hadn’t explained the whole Dan thing. It really left some unanswered questions. I mean, who was this so called Dan anyway?

“Okay. But this is really just a pickle shop.” Skiadrum was always reminding people of this. Sure, they may have involved themselves in some things that were not directly related to pickles. But it was still just a pickle shop!

“If you want Erza to stop by, you should start selling strawberry cake.” Jellal added this as an afterthought. He looked as though he seen a ghost.

“Fine. I mean we already sell potato seeds to Gildarts anyway.” Igneel was the one to agree to this. A little extra business never hurt anyone.

“Good. Now I can hear Lahar so I’m just gonna…” That explained the facial expression he had made. The poor man was obviously trying to escape his pursuer.

“Bye! Stop by again sometime soon!” Igneel waved very flamboyantly as the trio left.

“Hey have seen any of the like eighty seven Jellals. I mean, I’m looking for the real one but…” Not even a full minute passed before Lahar made his grand entrance. Jellal had been right about the stalking.

“And why are you looking for this dude?” Weisslogia tried to make small talk.

“Uh….. Lahar is unavailable now!” The man seemed to go into shock upon being questioned. He quickly pushed up his glasses and made the fastest exit possible.

“Where is Lahar? He literally broke out of prison to stalk Jellal.” The doors to the store were flung open once again. Doranbolt was standing in the entryway, clearly out of breath. He had been running after something for quite a while.

“We have no idea.” Grandina answered as she watched the man start to freak out. He seemed to change personalities.

“Ugh. I need to know!” With this, Doranbolt channeled his inner Mest and began to chew on Metalicana’s head. The iron dragon looked absolutely livid.

“Wait, is your name Doranbolt? Cause we really need a bolt for that door!” Igneel was back at it with his puns. That man just couldn’t control himself, could he?

“Cut the puns. I really need to know if you saw Lahar.” The man gazed desperately at the more reserved dragons. He had realized pretty quickly that they would be the only ones who would offer an actual answer.

“Yeah. But what do you mean he broke out of prison? I thought he worked there.” Skiadrum, ever the worrier (not), patiently waited for an answer. She knew this had the potential to be quite the long story.

“Oh he does. He just wanted to channel his inner Jellal so he broke out of one of the high security cells to see if he could.” Doranbolt looked embarrassed. He had spent quite a bit of time around Lahar and clearly had not expected his friend(?) to do such a thing.

“Oh well that’s nice. And Lahar said he was unavailable so…” Grandina offered the answer. She smiled as she said this, alerting the man that his greatest fear had been realized.

“He jumped out the window, didn’t he?” A loud sigh accompanied this statement. It seemed that window jumping was becoming a bit of a hobby for the other man.

“Uh huh.”

* * *

 

Just before the store closed, there was one last customer. A woman with her hair pulled under a cap and sunglasses adorning her face entered. Her outfit was completed by an oversized hoodie. No one would suspect her real identity.

“Do you guys have my usual?” Yes, this customer had been coming in every other night for the past week. The young woman seemed to have developed some sort of addiction to the merchandise.

“Of course. Do come again soon!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys actually want us to keep posting these or...?   
> Oh! And thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for making it through that rollercoaster of nonsense. Hopefully we got that layout of you readers! (It's be wonderful if you let us know but eh it's not required)  
> With that said, I suppose I should warn in advance that updates will be spotty at best because we suck at schedules!


End file.
